Coleen Nolan advises an anxious reader who is missing a friend who always gave her great advice
Dear Coleen
About a year ago, I was going through a rough time in my relationship – it was on again/ off again for quite a while. I was having problems with my family, too, so talked to a good friend about it a lot. She was very patient and always offered good advice.
However, now she won’t reply to my messages and calls, and I’m confused. I worry I may have worn her down with all my drama and maybe she’s reluctant to get in touch in case it’s more of the same. I’m in a better place now, though. The boyfriend is now an ex and things are OK with my family. I don’t know whether to reach out to my friend again, and this time apologise if she feels I took advantage of her good nature while I was trying to leave my relationship.
I’m a bit embarrassed to be honest, but you know what it’s like when you’re in the middle of something. All I could think about was myself and was blinkered to everyone else’s needs. It was all about me and I probably wasn’t a great friend. What would you advise?
Coleen says
I would definitely reach out to her and say exactly what you’ve said to me, then it’s up to her whether she gets back in touch. It can be wearing if you’re repeating the same advice over and over, trying to help someone, but they’re not listening to you. So maybe it is a case of compassion fatigue.
Get in touch to thank her for her support and explain the relationship is over, and just say something like: “I probably moaned a lot and bored you to death, but I really do love and appreciate you as a friend. You were right all along – I just had to get there myself.” I think that’s all you can do and, if nothing else, you’ll feel better for getting it off your chest. Sometimes you just need a break from friendships and sometimes friends do move on or grow apart – that’s life.
But don’t beat yourself up over it – when you’re going through a difficult time, it does feel all-consuming and it’s hard to see the wood from the trees. Once you’ve said your bit, I’m sure it will be easier to move on positively, whether your friend is with you or not.
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