Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who desperately wants her boyfriend to propose to her – but short of proposing herself or demanding she wants to get engaged, she doesn’t know what to do
Dear Coleen
I really want my boyfriend to propose to me. Quite a few of our friends are getting married this summer, yet we’ve been together for nearly six years and there’s still no sign of it happening for me.
I’m 29 and he is 33, so I feel it’s a good time, but short of proposing myself or demanding I want to get engaged, I don’t know what to do. We have talked a bit about marriage in the past, but only after I raised the topic, and his answer is always, “I’m not against it”, or, “We probably will, but not now”. It’s all so vague and frustrating.
He’s a very laidback person and seems content with what he has in life, so he’s not that driven or ambitious. He’s worked in the same pub for 12 years, although he’s the manager now, so he’s earning more money. But I don’t think it’s in his nature to think about the future or “next steps”.
I really love him, and still find him gorgeous, and we laugh a lot together. It’s great being in a relationship with him, so I want to seal the deal! I don’t need a flashy ring or a big expensive do. How can I make it happen?
Coleen says
Well, you could propose to him– there’s no reason why not. But, in the context of the things he’s saying, what would you do if he said no? I know you’ve mentioned marriage in the past, but perhaps now is the time for a serious conversation. Explain while it might not mean much to him, it’s important to you.
I do think there’s something around marriage that taps into our insecurities: “Why don’t they want to marry me?” I enjoyed being married and it felt different in a good way but, equally, I have friends in fab relationships who aren’t married.
Your boyfriend might say: “I love you, but I don’t want to get married”, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of things. My sister Denise only recently married her partner of nearly 50 years. She was never interested in marriage because their relationship was great anyway and she didn’t want anything to change that. On the other hand, I’ve been married and divorced twice, so a marriage certificate doesn’t give you any guarantees the relationship will last.
As for your friends getting married, yes, you get wrapped up in the romance of it all, but you can’t live your life based on other people’s choices. What about when they start having babies or change jobs or move house – will you feel the same pressure? You have to live your own life and do what’s right for you and your partner.
My second hubby Ray hated it when people kept asking him when he was going to propose. When he finally did it, none of my friends or family knew beforehand, so I knew it was what he wanted, which was a great feeling.
