Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a stressed parent-to-be who is worried about her in-laws putting pressure on her family to provide for the new baby
Dear Coleen
My husband and I are expecting our first baby in January, and both sets of grandparents are very excited as the baby will be their first grandchild.
My issue is, my mother-in-law has taken it upon herself to get in touch with my mum to carve up what they’re going to buy us for the baby – crib, buggy, car seat and so on.
She seems to think it’s traditional for the grandparents to do this, but my parents aren’t really in a position to fork out hundreds of pounds on this stuff.
I can tell my mum is a bit stressed about it.
So I’ve just told her not to worry and that I’ll find a way to get my mother-in-law to back off.
My husband and I are happy to buy the big things ourselves and if the grandparents want to buy gifts when the baby arrives, that’s great.
The difference is, my in-laws are very well-off compared to my parents, so buying these things isn’t a problem for them. I feel awful that my mum in particular has been put in this position and wish my mother-in-law had checked with us before saying anything.
I don’t want to embarrass or upset anyone and would love any ideas on how to handle it.
Coleen says
I think your husband should be the one to have a word with his mum. All he needs to say is that you don’t want to put financial pressure on your parents (or anyone else) to buy these expensive things and that you’ve already planned for it.
He can say it’s better to buy a special gift when the baby arrives, and it’ll mean even more as they’ve chosen it themselves. And just suggest (politely) running any ideas like this by you in the future.
My worry is that if you don’t send this message now, then there will be plenty of opportunity in the future for your in-laws to put your parents in the same position – the christening, the first birthday and so on. Reassure your mum that a gift isn’t about price of something and it’s always so much nicer to get a present that someone’s thought about and taken care over.
My daughter Ciara’s future mum-in-law is brilliant at arts and crafts and makes the most beautiful hand-sewn things, which I could never do, and it’s exactly the type of thing I’d love to receive.
As for your mother-in-law, she’s not being malicious in any way – she’s just excited about the baby and is trying to involve everyone.
I think that she just hasn’t thought it through properly.
Good luck.
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