Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader whose mum has found the love of her life but she’s worried about it changing their relationship
Dear Coleen
I’m a woman aged 31, married with one son. My parents divorced years ago, when I was still at primary school and, since then, I’ve pretty much had my mum to myself and we have a very close relationship. Over the years, she has dated occasionally, but none of those relationships became serious.
I suppose I’ve never really thought she might meet someone special and want to settle down with them, but that day has come and it’s freaking me out. Towards the end of last year, she met a guy through a local walking group and now they’re a couple. The other day, she told me she’s finally met the man of her dreams and they’re talking about next steps – moving in together to start with but, who knows, marriage could be next on the cards.
He seems like a nice enough guy – friendly and warm – but I don’t know him all that well. I asked my mum if she was sure it was what she wanted at this stage in life and she got a bit irritated, saying: “What should I do? I’m only 58!”, so I backed off.
I’ve been having the odd sleepless night, wondering how this relationship will change things between my mum and me and worrying if it’s the right thing for her. Am I overreacting or being selfish? I’d love your opinion.
Coleen says
Well, your mum is about the same age as me – I’m 59 and have grown-up kids, too – and personally, I think it’s wonderful she has something new and exciting in her life, and has a partner who she loves enough to make these plans with. She’s still a relatively young woman with life ahead of her so, to quote her: what should she do? Would you rather she felt lonely when you’re at home with your family or out living your life? Would you rather that she stayed at home and just took up knitting?
Think about it another way: she’s found someone who loves her, makes her happy and will care for her. She has someone to have adventures and fun with. It will bring a different dimension to your family for sure, but why does it have to be a negative?
It sounds like you need to get to know him better and, who knows, you might even get to really like him and see why your mum fell in love with him. Why not suggest a drink or a meal or invite him over, so you can chat and get the opportunity to ask him questions about himself and his life.
Nothing will change how much your mum loves you and your son, and this relationship won’t stop her from seeing you all. You’ll always come first. But, if she’s happier, then I think that’s good for all of you.
