Coleen Nolan advises a divorced reader who is clashing with her new partner, who always lets his own child off lightly
Dear Coleen
I moved in with my partner a few months ago. We both have 13-year-old daughters – we met through their swimming club – and we’re both divorced.
He shares custody 50/50 with his ex, which means his daughter is here a lot, while my daughter lives with me and sees her dad every second weekend.
Our girls get on OK and sometimes enjoy each other’s company, but they also wind each other up and fly into insane hormonal arguments.
My problem is, although we have rules that apply to both, whenever my daughter acts up, my partner is much stricter with her than his own. If his daughter misbehaves, he lets her off lightly and is always making excuses for her.
I don’t know what to do. I feel his daughter resents the fact that my daughter lives with her dad full-time and it causes a lot of anger, but there’s nothing we can do about that.
I’m arguing a lot with my partner over it. He thinks I’m making too much of it and says his daughter is still struggling with the divorce, so he has to be careful not to rock the boat.
The other day she took something belonging to my daughter and when she was asked to give it back, she called my daughter a f***ing bitch! All my partner said was, “Don’t swear”, not why did you take her stuff and cause a problem?
Coleen says
Blended families take a lot of work at the start. Of course, you’re each biased towards your own daughters and it’s natural to get defensive when someone criticises your kids.
I think your partner is terrified of his daughter going back to her mum and telling her she doesn’t want to stay at your house any more. It can be a minefield.
So, he’s trying to keep the peace and maybe he’s not doing a great job of it, but it’s a new situation for him and for all of you too.
What is normal is two teenage girls who are going to argue and it would be no different if they were sisters by blood. I think you should encourage them to start working it out themselves instead of running to mum and dad. Your daughters have to get the message that this isn’t a competition for attention and it won’t get them anywhere.
The two of you need to be a strong unit – there can’t be one rule for one child and not for the other.
And if there’s something you don’t agree on, don’t argue about it in front of the girls, discuss it on your own afterwards and come to a compromise.
So keep talking to your partner – don’t wait until things are at crisis point after a huge row has erupted.
