Since the New Year rolled in, many of us have been looking at ways to enhance our self-care, whether that’s blocking out time for a bath or starting a journal for goals and gratification. While self-care seems like a harmless tool to enhance our lifestyle, a therapist has revealed some harsh truths behind the practice for physical, mental, and emotional health.
Divya Robin, a therapist, educator and wellness advocate from New York, took to Instagram to reveal that some of the “popular self-care trends” could be harming you and your relationships. In the caption, Divya explained, “Being only focused on yourself doesn’t support connected and healthy relationships with other people. I believe a crucial foundation to self-care is BALANCE.”
She continued: “Self-care is about taking accountability, doing what is good for your long and short-term wellbeing, and challenging yourself. To take care of ourselves we have to do hard things – have tough conversations, look over our budgets, say “no”, manage our social calendars/FOMO, and be active participants in creating a life that’s aligned with our values.”
The therapist also noted that self-care comes in “many forms” and that the first step is “challenging unhelpful ideas around self-care & finding other ways of thinking.” Here are some of the popular self-care practices that she believes could be harming us and why…
Only feeling ‘good’
Divya says that only doing things that feel ‘good’ sets “a false expectation” in our emotional system that only these feelings “are allowed”. She explains that it is healthy to “feel and learn to tolerate all emotions”. Helen Wells, a Clinical Director and Psychotherapist at The Dawn Wellness Centre and Rehab Thailand, also shared her thoughts on this and told the Mirror, “Self-care is not just about indulging in things that feel comforting in the moment.”
Helen adds, “While these activities are part of self-care, it also involves looking after your overall well-being, even if it means doing things that are more challenging or uncomfortable. For example, having an honest conversation about something that’s been bothering you or setting a boundary may not feel easy, but these actions are important for self-care because they help protect your emotional health, create balance in your life, and support long-term wellbeing.”
The more friends the better
While some people have a large circle of friends, Divya says it’s about “quality over quantity”. She explains, “Having one friend who is good for your mental health is better for your well-being than five friends who emotionally drain you or consistently engage in unhelpful patterns.”
Helen agrees as she tells us, “Having a few close friends who truly understand and support you can be far more rewarding than having many acquaintances who don’t offer the same level of connection. For instance, having one reliable friend who you can count on in tough times is more valuable than trying to keep up with numerous people who you’re not deeply connected to. It’s the depth of the relationship that makes it meaningful, not the number of people in your life.”
Keeping the ‘peace’
Tackling tricky or uncomfortable conversations can be hard to face, but Divya affirms that we shouldn’t avoid them just to “keep the peace or to be positive”. Instead, she explains that “difficult conversations can be connecting” and avoiding them “only creates distance”.
“While it may feel easier to avoid difficult conversations in order to maintain harmony, this can lead to frustration and misunderstandings over time,” Helen adds. “For example, if you don’t address an issue that’s bothering you with a friend or colleague, it can build up and create tension. Having open conversations, even about sensitive topics, helps strengthen relationships by avoiding misunderstandings and building trust. It’s about facing challenges together and discussing what’s on your mind in a constructive way, which leads to healthier, more genuine connections.”
Using boundaries
Another self-care trend that Divya disagrees with is “using boundaries as a way or excuse to threaten, give ultimatums, set harsh rules, or withhold from another person”. While she says healthy boundaries protect our “emotional, mental and physical health”, they should not be an “excuse to mistreat or punish others”.
Sharing an example, Helen says, “If you say, ‘I need some time to myself,’ that’s a healthy way to maintain personal space. However, using boundaries as a way to give ultimatums, like saying, ‘If you don’t do this, I’ll stop talking to you,’ is about asserting control rather than protecting yourself. Healthy boundaries are about expressing your needs clearly and respectfully, not as a way to punish or manipulate others. They’re there to ensure mutual respect and understanding in relationships.”
Unconditional loyalty and support
“Equating closeness in a relationship to unconditional loyalty and support” is another self-care trend that could be damaging relationships, Divya explains. “A way someone can show they care is by respectfully disagreeing with you. If they are authentically loyal, they aren’t being their true self.”
Explaining what this means, Helen elaborates, “For example, loyalty doesn’t mean ignoring harmful behaviour or always putting someone else’s needs before your own. In a healthy relationship, loyalty means being there for each other, but also being honest about what’s working and what isn’t. True closeness comes from respecting each other, communicating openly, and being able to face challenges together, rather than accepting everything without question.”
Not criticising your actions
Divya shares that often, people think that in order to love themselves, they shouldn’t criticise their actions. However, she says it is about “being honest” when we make a mistake and not “seeing yourself as ‘right’ in all situations”.
Helen adds, “Self-love involves recognising when things don’t go as planned and learning from them. For example, if you make a mistake, it’s important to notice it and think about how you can improve next time. Being kind to yourself means understanding that no one is perfect, and instead of being too hard on yourself, you use those moments as opportunities to grow and do better in the future.”
Being ‘the best’
We can often set high expectations of being ‘the best’ in all areas of our lives, whether that’s in friendships, relationships, careers, health, or sleep, but Divya says, “create balance and acceptance that you can’t do everything”.
Helen adds that trying to be the best can build up “unnecessary pressure” and can lead to “betterment burnout”. She explains, “This occurs when you push yourself too hard to improve or excel in every area of your life, which can lead to exhaustion and stress. While it’s natural to want to succeed, it’s important to recognise that no one can be perfect in every aspect of life.
“It’s okay to do well in one area and give yourself room to grow in others. Perfection isn’t realistic, and constantly striving for it can lead to burnout. Focus on progress, not perfection, and remember that balance is essential.”
Without closure
Before removing someone from your life, unless in a situation of abuse or trauma, it is “healthy and healing to have a mature conversation”, Divya shares. She adds, “This doesn’t mean reconciling, it creates room for emotional honesty.”
Helen shares her own thoughts on the matter, “Ending a relationship without talking things through can leave both parties confused and without closure. If someone has upset you, cutting them off without explaining why can make both of you question what went wrong or feel unresolved. Having an honest conversation about your feelings allows both individuals to better understand each other’s perspective. This could lead to resolving the issue or, if necessary, deciding that parting ways is the best option. If direct confrontation feels too difficult, consider writing down your thoughts first or seeking help from a neutral third party.”
Self-care costs money
If you’re in need of some self-care, Divya reassures that it doesn’t need to cost money and that it doesn’t always “immediately feel good”. She shares, “Budgeting, cleaning, or baking, or getting extra sleep is self-care, too.”
“Simple activities like going for a walk, practising mindfulness, journaling, doing breathwork, or trying a sound bath can all help improve your mental health without costing anything. Real self-care is about making choices that benefit you in the long run,” Helen shares. Providing some further examples, she adds, “Yoga can help both your body and mind, while journaling allows you to reflect on your thoughts. Breathwork and sound baths can bring a sense of calm and balance. It’s about taking time to care for yourself in ways that support your wellbeing, rather than focusing on things that offer instant rewards or cost a lot of money.”
