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Before she was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, single mum Laurene thought not wanting to touch her baby made her ‘bad’
A single mum who did not want to touch her baby and “hated the feeling” of breastfeeding says she was wracked with guilt for years until she was diagnosed with ADHD and autism.
Laurene Bizarro-Cullen, 41, a yoga teacher from Brighton, gave birth to her first son naturally when she was 33. Eight years later, she has “dismantled her guilt” after her wife, who is also autistic, gave birth to her second son, Luca, three weeks ago through Intrauterine insemination (IUI). This time, Laurene even ‘induced lactation’ to share the load of breastfeeding. For Laurene, autism manifests as sensory overload – meaning light, touch and sound can be overwhelming to the point of “feeling physical pain”.
Laurene’s ADHD also makes it hard to stay focused. In tandem, the two conditions made breastfeeding her first son Keao feel like “hiking through the Sahara desert carrying a baby crocodile”. The mum-of-two told The Mirror: “I really struggled with breastfeeding on a sensory level. I hated the feeling of it – the close contact, the sweatiness. As well as the lack of sleep, the crying and the constant touching – at the time I just thought this all made me a bad mum.
“It’s hot, it’s sticky and you have a being that is squiggling everywhere and it feels like it’s not your body and yet you have to make it happen – it makes you feel crazy. But now with my diagnosis I know it’s not bad that I didn’t want to touch my baby, it’s just that I’m so ‘touched out’ that I need a break and just need to go and scroll on my phone.”
Experts are increasingly realising ADHD and autism often co-exist, with researchers finding there is a 50 to 70 per cent crossover between these neurodevelopmental conditions, according to the National Institute of Health. Until 2013, autism and ADHD couldn’t even be diagnosed in the same person.
This is a new area of research and women with autism and ADHD are often under-diagnosed. The latter, combined with the existing taboo of new mums struggling with mental health, makes early parenthood unmanageable for some neurodivergent women. Laurene said that ADHD and autism – which “tend to come in hand” bring “conflicting aspects of chaos.”
Laurene said: “ADHD means I often lose track of time while my autistic side needs routine and schedule. Once motherhood started, I couldn’t have dinner at my designated time of 7pm so I would spiral into ADHD mania. Then I would then forget to eat for two days because I didn’t have my routine any more. So I wasn’t eating properly and wasn’t supported by my routine and then my mental health would suffer. I wasn’t looking after myself but there’s no way I could have.”
Laurene saw her struggle with early motherhood as a “failure” and felt guilty for years – which she’s now had to work on “dismantling.” When Laurene’s son turned three, she took him to be assessed as he was and still is non-verbal. This ultimately led to her own autism diagnosis.
Eight years later, Laurene’s wife has given birth to their second son. She said her diagnosis has “changed everything” this time around. Laurene now she knows what it means to “go into sensory overload”, adding, “when I see my wife ‘glitching’, I can step in and say go upstairs and have a break and go and scroll on your phone.”
Laurene breastfed her first son for six weeks and then had to stop and “lived with the guilt for eight years”. But now, both she and her wife are both breastfeeding their son. “Now two weeks into us both breastfeeding – I’m thinking ‘Wow I managed six weeks when I was on my own with him’ – it’s removed all the guilt I had.”
“I felt like a bad mum eight years ago, but with our second I’ve induced lactation – so both of us are breastfeeding.” The 41-year-old started a course of Domperidone – which simulates breast milk production in October. She also went on the contraceptive pill to “trick” her body into thinking it was pregnant. Then six weeks before Luca’s due date she came off the pill and “began pumping every three hours to get my milk going.” She is now “co- feeding” Luca.
“No one – midwife or other health professional – seemed to know anything about it so we found a lot of support and information online and then were referred to a lactation consultant in London for prescription. The whole early parenting journey was so hard and so much more difficult than I thought it would be – now knowing I’m neurodivergent it makes sense. The most important thing is removing guilt and the shame. A lot of people feel strongly about not wanting to be labelled – but once you understand what sensory needs are – you can forgive yourself.”
