Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader whose husband has moved out but his children want nothing to do with him and his ‘girlfriend’ keeps emailing her
Dear Coleen
A few weeks ago, my husband admitted that he had been having an affair and said he planned to leave me to be with the other woman. I didn’t see it coming and it feels very out of character.
He’s been living in a hotel room down the road, as his “girlfriend” lives in a shared house with two other women, so he can’t live there.
The whole thing is ridiculous and he’s making a total fool of himself. Needless to say, this woman that he’s seeing is 27, so almost 20 years younger than he is.
Our children, who are 13 and 15, have pretty much disowned him and refuse to see or speak to him. While I haven’t encouraged this, I can’t say I blame them.
The bit I really need help with is that my husband’s girlfriend keeps emailing me over him seeing the kids, saying it’s unfair and that he’s devastated because he feels he’s lost them.
It’s driving me mad because this has nothing to do with her; what I actually feel like discussing with her is why she started an affair with my husband and wrecked our family in the first place.
I’m angry, but am trying to stay composed and not to fire off furious emails because I’m sure she’d love that. It’s a nightmare and I need advice.
Coleen says
I understand why your children’s loyalty lies with you; they’re feeling protective of you and are angry on your behalf.
You could have a conversation with them, explaining that while their dad’s behaviour has hurt all of you, he still loves them.
You can help them see that this is between you and their dad, and it shouldn’t affect their relationship with him. It’s a hard thing to do, but it’s the right way to approach things and it will benefit your children in the long run.
I would ignore the girlfriend’s emails – don’t get into a dialogue with her. Drop those emails straight into the trash. You’re right, your children have nothing to do with her. I’m guessing she’s writing out of guilt and maybe your husband is also giving her a hard time over the kids and she thinks it’s in her interest to try to patch things up.
But, whatever her reasons, it’s up to your husband to own what he did and rebuild those bridges with your children. It’s not up to her and it’s not your responsibility either. He sounds wimpy, letting his girlfriend send emails – he should be the one messaging them.
You don’t owe this woman anything and it’s not your job to make things easier for her, so tell your husband that you’d appreciate it if she didn’t contact you. Good luck.
