Coleen Nolan advises a married reader who slept with a colleague and wonders why she does not feel any remorse
Dear Coleen
I’m a 35-year-old woman and have been married for seven years. We don’t have any children, although it’s something we’ve been considering.
My problem is, I slept with a colleague before Christmas and I’m trying to work out what it all means. I’m close to this guy at work and if I’m honest, things had been building up to us sleeping together for a while.
He’s single and a few years younger, and I’ve always found him attractive. We flirt a lot and one night, after a shift, we went for a drink and ended up in bed.
The thing is, I don’t feel guilty about it and I know I should.
I don’t think it’ll happen again – my colleague and I have talked about it – and it feels like I’ve got it out of my system now and can move on in my marriage. Is that bad?
I love my husband and he’s a great person, but the physical side of things is a bit hit and miss. I don’t plan to confess and don’t have a problem with it, but it does worry me that I can cheat so easily without feeling any remorse. Is this weird?
By the way, I’ve never cheated before. What do you think?
Coleen says
If you genuinely don’t feel guilty over what happened, there’s a good chance it might happen again with someone else.
However, this not feeling guilty bothers me because I think maybe you’re in denial.
Saying you don’t feel guilty and you don’t need to tell your husband is your way of avoiding the confrontation. You’ve settled it in your own mind. But underneath, I think you do feel bad because you’re raising questions.
I think you’re also trying to avoid looking at your marriage and why it’s vulnerable.
You need to really think about why you slept with this guy. If things aren’t great sexually in your marriage, then look at that first.
You say you love your husband and if that’s the case, you can’t have your cake and eat it because at some stage it will come back to bite you.
Lying and keeping secrets is stressful and it does impact how you behave in a relationship. And what if your husband finds out about the cheating? Would you be this cool if he had done the same to you? Would you be able to gloss over it and move on? I doubt it.
What you should be worried about is whether you’ll do it again and what you should be focused on is what’s not working in your marriage. I had an affair many years ago and there were reasons for it, but I never condoned it in my own head.
I also experienced the fallout, which was painful, and I vowed I would never do it again, and that I’d end a relationship rather than cheat.
