Alfie Watts, 21, was the youngest ever winner of Race Across the World and is using his newfound fame as a platform to help bereaved young people
Viewers of the BBC’s hit reality travelogue Race Across the World were moved to tears when show winner Alfie Watts opened up on losing his mother. Alfie, 21, was just five when Karen died of breast cancer, after she was diagnosed with the disease shortly after he was born.
In an episode of the show’s fourth series last year, which saw the contestants make their way across the Vietnamese city of Hoi, Alfie, who won the show with his schoolmate Owen Wood, lit a lantern in his mum’s memory and spoke about how much he missed her. And now, the TV star has become an ambassador for Winston’s Wish, the bereavement charity for children and young people. In an exclusive chat with the Mirror, Alfie tells us about the poignant way he celebrates Mother’s Day and speaks of the challenges of growing up without his beloved mum…
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Memories of mum
The biggest thing I remember about my mum was how much of a fighter she was, how much drive she had and determination – and I’m proud to say I recognise that in myself. I always have strong piece of her with me, even when I was filming Race Across the World, I knew there would come a time when these feelings of missing her and recognising that she wasn’t there would come to the fore again. For me, that makes me feel that she’s still a part of my life, she isn’t a distant memory, which is important because when you grow up grieving, especially from being such a young child.
She was diagnosed when I was very young, just a baby in fact, with cancer and she was told she had a very limited time left but she said to herself that she was going to take me to my first day of school – and she did. She fought so hard for her and me to have that memory and I will always treasure that, not just because of what it meant for us, but for how hard she pushed to be there. If anything, the memories I have of her are not always what she looked like, or how she sounded, but that legacy of who she was as a person and that is something which is so precious.
Coping with Mother’s Day
When you’re growing up grieving, there’s a piece of you which become more and more aware that your life is different to your peers. I’ve always said that life as a bereaved child was simply my normal, I didn’t know anything else, I was so young that you don’t have anything to compare it to. But when they say that your bereavement can feel different at different points in your life, or those feelings of grief have trigger points, that’s very true and I can totally relate to that.
As a five-year-old when I first lost my mum, it was just the way things were. It wasn’t pleasant but you don’t know the gravity of the situation you are in, whereas as you get older and you notice that in school everyone is writing a card to their Mum or buying her a gift for Mother’s Day, I began to be aware more and more that that wasn’t the same for me.
As I got to be older and even now, I’m aware that there is a difference and this is why I find the support that Winston’s Wish offers to be incredibly important to the countless young people who know what this all feels like. I don’t feel like I should feel a certain way in any given circumstance which allows me the freedom to just feel authentically what I’m feeling at the time and that’s comforting, especially as I reach new milestones.
For me though, it’s not about burying the thought of mothers and sitting in the keen awareness of not having one anymore, I try to spend the time with time to reflect on her, I might look at the memory box she created for me before she died, I’ll think about what she was like and how I am because of her influence and her drive. It’s a celebration, though perhaps not like most kids have. And I am pleased to be able to have positive thoughts about her at such a poignant time.
The hardest thing
This can change depending on the age you are. When I was a kid, it was a lot to adjust to, but as a kid, you don’t really question it, it just is what you’re facing. As you get older, you ask questions, who was she, why don’t I have what other kids have? But you can go through all the emotions, as a young man now, I may not grieve in the same way as I might have done when I was younger. If I have an achievement or a new milestone, I wish she was there to talk to about it, to celebrate with, to gain advice from.
Words of wisdom
Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. If you’ve lost your mum and you want to remember her by thinking of happy memories, you don’t have to feel guilty about that. Most importantly, know that support is out there. Growing up grieving can be a very isolating experience, it’s hard to see your circumstance in others’ situation. You might be the only one in your school or friend group who is bereaved of a parent, sibling or another person – so don’t feel like you have to on your own. I’m a proud ambassador for Winston’s Wish and the support is there, look on the website, there’s even a dedicated space called Talk Grief which is designed for young people to find real stories and get advice on how to cope especially around poignant times of year.
I cope by being honest with myself and my circle if I’m going through a rough patch. Talking about my feelings and talking about my mum and my memories of her definitely stops me feeling like I’m on my own and it helps me to keep her memory strong which is such an important thing for me. The worst thing for me would be to bottle it all up.
I think that everyone has to deal with Mother’s Day in their own way, what I would says helps is two fold, first of all, don’t feel like you are on your own with this, there’s support out there. It’s been said before, but the worse thing anyway can do is just to never talk about it. And if you have a friend or a young person in your life, if they want to, give them the opportunity to talk about how they’re feeling or about their Mum, ask them if they want to share a memory or do something to remember her. It’s hard to get away from all the celebrations, it’s in all the shops for instance which of course is natural, but for those of us who are grieving our Mums, it’s very much difficult to step away from.
Winston’s Wish ambassador
We’re beginning as a society to talk about feelings and emotions so much more, especially for young men. We’re turning the narrative on its head as a collective conversation however something I especially value is those niche, intimate spaces where you can find your tribe of people with shared experiences.
Nobody wants to grow up grieving, but the fact that a charity like Winston’s Wish exists is fantastic because there are countless children and young people throughout the UK who have access to support which is especially tailored for them. It’s designed to help them navigate all the complexities of what it’s like to be a young person growing up with grief from the feelings around big events like Mother’s Day or when you go to university or get your first job or anything which is a normal part of growing up but also made more difficult sometimes because you’re grieving.
When I first came across Winston’s Wish, I was blown away by what they offer to young people like me as well as to teachers and the parents of grieving children and young adults. I also feel proud of being able to talk about my circumstance because I wouldn’t want any young person to not know there was support for them available or that they were the only one. They’re not, there’s many of us growing up with grief.
Winston’s Wish is the UK’s first children and young people’s bereavement charity, supporting grieving young people up to the age of 25 when their worlds are turned upside down. The charity also supports the adults around these young people such as parents and teachers, providing advice before or after a bereavement.
Winston’s Wish will be featured on the BBC Radio 4 Appeal on Mother’s Day. Tune in today at 7.53am and 9.25pm and on Thursday, April 3 at 3.25pm to hear what it’s like to grow up with grief.
Winston’s Wish is keen to reassure bereaved young people and their families that they are welcome to chat online, email or call for free to speak to a bereavement support worker by calling 08088 020 021, emailing ask@winstonswish.org or using the live chat at winstonswish.org.
