I was always a never-cruise guy. In my head, I’m the exact opposite. I’d drag my family 1,000 miles across Europe in a week, make them camp in Scotland in March. We’d miss ferries, hold up flights and try to squeeze in more activities than there are hours in the day. I also don’t sit still easily.
I suspect I’m not alone. And I suspected a cruise was anathema to my style of holiday – or “relaxation”. So (easy)Jetting off to an airport few people know exists, on a route established a fortnight earlier to board a boat, was not on my 2024 bingo card.
It seems there’s a lot I didn’t know. I didn’t know a 330ft, luxurious “motor ship” Iberotel Crown Emperor could be the most efficient way to get to see some of the planet’s most magnificent sights.
I didn’t know how to dress on a cruise (in this case, casual as popping down the pub), which was fine because I also didn’t know easyJet offers a whopping 23kg free hold baggage.
And I’d never guess that the budget carrier offered the most indulgent and fab five-star holiday – its newly-launched Nile river cruise. I also didn’t know that enforced relaxation in serene surroundings and being catered for hand and foot, was exactly what I needed to teach me to just chill – or that I’d adore every minute.
A few hours after a freezing UK farewell, our early winter welcome to Luxor was awash with the lush colours of a stunning sunset and air as warm as the smile from the friendly young easyJet greeter with cheery banter and perfect English. After boarding our 136-passenger ship, the next time we saw our bags was alongside smiling individual staff outside our rooms.
The light, airy room featured a huge, heavenly bed but the piece-de-resistance was the full wall window on the floating world of the Nile. You feel at one with the watery world and lush, constantly changing, often surprising shoreline. That bed and comfy chairs invite you to lose hours just taking it all in.
You also soon realise what five-star service means – daily refreshed snacks, stocked fridge, room tidied constantly, bed turned down every night, satellite TV with English language news and movies, lush toiletries, pressured shower and myriad unexpected touches such as a personal ironing service.
This is not the oceangoing behemoth that a cruise suggests to me; a dozen bars, water slides, cinema, shops, casino – screaming children. Instead there’s a refined elegance, with a large lounge bar, fitness area, gift shop and a tasteful dining room at water level, a unique experience in itself. But the top deck is the jewel in the crown. There’s a surreal serenity to sunbathing or swimming in the sun-drenched pool as the call to prayers echoes out and the verdant shores drift by, from villages to open fields and wetlands with grazing livestock and wildlife.
You meander past lush greenery and palm trees, deserts right down to the shore and rugged hills, ancient dwellings and caves as well as the vibrant hustle and bustle of Egyptian city life, just as fascinating to watch from plush deckchairs with umbrellas. With a bar and staff always ready to indulge your every whim, even I couldn’t avoid settling into a level of relaxation.
I didn’t know cruising was a charmingly unique and efficient way of getting between the remarkable locations that beckoned, and, as the hot, dry climate means all life is close to the shores of the mighty river that is Egypt’s lifeblood, cruising boasts dreamily-catered access to everything.
In another unexpected delight, hugely varied buffets three times a day were scrumptious, with different “themes”, always including fish, all meats, salads, two soups, saute and fried stations and more than a dozen breads. We found ourselves declaring each lunch or dinner “the best yet”, with astonishingly attentive service.
And who even knew Egyptian wine was a thing? From grapes grown along the Nile, the extensive wine list rivalled anything from Europe or farther afield. When we opted for an evening on deck, after another spectacular sunset, passing through a massive lock, there were the staff with warmed blankets.
On land, forget the chaos of Cairo and one-trick-pony Pyramids. The Nile Valley is the heart of the most fascinating ancient treasures. Arguably chief among these is the Valley Of The Kings, a warren of underground resting places of those famous pharaohs, none more so than Tut Ankh Amun (that’s how they spelled it, so when in Rome…) himself. His is the shallowest tomb – they were dug throughout the ruler’s reign, his being the shortest before he faced Osiris, Lord of the Afterlife, decider of who faces eternity in their equivalent of Heaven or Hell. Coming face to crinkly, blackened face with the child king you’ve learned about since primary school, brings a chill from through the millennia down your spine, despite the searing heat.
This area is so full of ancient artefacts and stupendous structures that they’ve only scratched the surface, constantly finding more in a landscape literally littered with them. Whole neighbourhoods are being relocated in Luxor because they hide more wonders of worlds past.
Must-see sites include the ornate Temple of Queen Hatshepsut, the great-great-great… grandmother of modern feminism – Egyptian history’s most hated and loved female ruler who threw out the rule book and demanded things done her own way – and the monumental Colossi Of Memnon statues.
The towering and remarkably preserved Edhu temple is a neck-craning marvel, and after another sublime sail, Kom Ombo at night, a place where whole towns are yet to be discovered, was entrancing.
The vast Aswan dam is a much more modern marvel of epic dimensions, creating the vast Lake Nasser, for which 22 temples and 100,000 villagers had to be relocated. The remarkable Philae Temple, on a small island, was literally moved over water to save it from being sunk, taking nine years in the 1970s.
Being swept silently across the river in a traditional felucca sail boat, the breeze taking the edge off the 25C heat, was another lush sojourn, to a botanical garden given to Lord Kitchener, for which he imported trees from all over the world.
The region’s packed with mind-bogglingly endless ancient tales of idolatry, betrayal, heroism and travel, curses, deaths, adoration and illnesses, all carved in hieroglyphics and unbelievably ornate figures.
The towering walls, tombs and columns tell every detail of lives lived thousands of years ago. The unfathomably intricate carvings were created to prove they were good people to secure a comfortable afterlife, the current life in physical form being just the very short start to eternal existence. Their work also adorned sprawling Karnak, built over a period of 2,100 years at Luxor, and possibly the biggest temple in the world; a James Bond film backdrop and open, living history book telling the stories of 2,200 years.
Our guide, Bessam, is the rock star of tours. We tried to ask obscure questions to stump him but could not confound the friendly fellow. Be warned, a trip here may cramp your film watching experience; I’ve already found myself fact-checking films like The Mummy and calling them out on their revisionist versions of history.
I will, of course, carry on with my frenetic, try-to-do-too-much-in-too-little-time trips, but now have a newfound affinity for a sojourn that forces me to chill. And if Osiris smiles upon me, I may be able to spend my afterlife cruising
the Nile.
Book the holiday
EasyJet holidays offers a seven night full-board Nile cruise on Iberotel Crown Emperor from £653pp including flights from Gatwick to Luxor on March 13, 23kg baggage and transfers. More info at experienceegypt.eg
