Coleen Nolan advises a stressed-out reader who is finding it really hard to make friends on maternity leave
Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my early 30s and struggle with crippling shyness. I recently became a mum – my daughter is six months old – and I’ve been avoiding all the baby classes as I find it hard to meet new people. I get tongue-tied, say stupid things and often go red.
I know I need to push myself out of my comfort zone, though, because staying at home with the baby is driving me mad.
I do have some close friends, but none of them have children yet, so I feel kind of on my own with this.
I’ve always been quite shy – I was the kid at school who went bright red if a teacher singled me out to answer a question.
However, I became more confident as I got older, especially when I went to university. But I’ve been working at home since Covid, so I’m not mixing much with colleagues.
Now I’m on maternity leave while my husband is at work all day. He’s quite outgoing, so I use him as crutch when we’re out socially. But this new phase of my life feels daunting, and I feel more cut off than ever. I hope my problem doesn’t sound trivial, but I could really use some common-sense advice.
Coleen says
It’s not a trivial problem at all, as anyone who’s experienced social anxiety will tell you. I’m one of those people.
Believe it or not, when I’m not doing my job on the telly, I’m actually very shy and find it really daunting to walk into a room full of people I don’t know.
But, the good news is that you can overcome it to a large degree with practice.
That’s not to say it’s not OK to be an introvert – you might be one of those people who is happier in a small group or with a couple of good friends. The way I’ve dealt with my shyness is to keep going to things and faking confidence, and after a while you find it gets easier and you’re not faking it so much.
Also, listening to other people and asking questions is a really good way of getting involved in a conversation without the spotlight being on you.
I also found becoming a mum helped me because we connect over our kids and mums are very supportive of each other.
Then when my kids went to nursery and school, I got to know the mums of their friends and it was a very natural way to get to know people.
So, push yourself a little bit out of your comfort zone if you can and maybe commit to one mother and baby class a week. Trust me, you’ll feel welcomed and your focus will be the baby.
Also, there are loads of good books and podcasts to help with how you’re feeling – have a search online and find a couple you like.
And there are loads of parenting support groups online and on social media where you can make connections.
Don’t be too hard on yourself – take baby steps and remind yourself that you’re doing a great job of being a mum.
