Valentine’s Day is usually reserved for spending time with your other half – but one adventurous couple is doing things differently this year.
Heather Pearce, 31, and her husband Tom, 36, are proud to be in an open relationship with two other people. Heather has a boyfriend and Tom has a girlfriend, and they describe themselves as a polyamorous family.
While Tom and Heather would usually spend Valentine’s Day together, this year Heather is on a girls’ weekend away. And with Tom’s girlfriend busy working, he’s left to spend the intimate celebration with Heather’s boyfriend.
Heather tells us, “It wasn’t until after I paid for the trip that we realised it was over Valentine’s Day – so my husband and my boyfriend are off for a romantic dinner while I’m gone.”
She explains, “My boyfriend really respects my husband. It wouldn’t work if he didn’t. And the same goes for my husband’s girlfriend – she is so incredibly respectful of my marriage.”
So how did Heather and Tom, who met in 2016 on Tinder and married in 2023, go from being a monogamous couple to having separate partners who all get along like a house on fire? It’s not a traditional path but one Heather says works well.
“It wasn’t until March 2021 that we opened up our relationship. We mainly decided to do it because we’re both part of a kink community, and there are some things Tom enjoys that I don’t. I said I’d be happy for him to explore that with other people.
“We sat down and had a conversation about boundaries – what we were not happy with – and then started going to munches [gatherings for those involved in or interested in kink, BDSM or alternative relationship lifestyles] with like-minded people.
“I have some kinks that Tom isn’t particularly interested in, so it gave me the opportunity to explore those as well,” adds Heather. “There is a huge kink community once you know where to look for it.”
Reflecting on the first time Tom was intimate with another woman while they were together, Heather says, “He had what we refer to as a play session with another person. It was very strange because I enjoyed the idea of it, but I was also quite jealous. We wanted to work past the jealousy, so we sat down and talked about it, figured out what was causing it, and how we could stop that from happening in future.
“Now, every time he or I have a play session, we debrief afterwards. We talk about what went on, how we feel about it, what we’d like to do in future and if there was anything we didn’t enjoy.”
Heather insists their relationship was “incredibly strong and communicative prior to opening it up” and believes that is the key to being in a polyamorous relationship.
“You have to be in a really good place for this to work well, and Tom and I were. But I would say [being in an open relationship] has helped with the way we talk to each other. We don’t argue anywhere near as much as we did because we allow each other patience and empathy.”
Over the past few years, Tom has had a couple of different play partners – one he’s been seeing for just over two years, and another he has a regular play dynamic with.
“Women gravitate towards him because he’s a safe and kind person,” says Heather.
However, it took her a little longer to build up the confidence to seek out a partner of her own.
“In September last year, I took the plunge and slid into the DMs of somebody that I’d seen at these events, and we started talking back and forth,” she shares.
“Eventually we met up and had a play session and found out we vibed well together. One thing led to another and we realised we had feelings for each other.
“At the same time, Tom was exploring something new with somebody he’d met through our TikTok account. They’d discovered they had feelings for each other too so we talked about how romantic feelings could be involved.
“I said to Tom, ‘I’m ready if you want to make her your girlfriend.’ Both our partners were over for Christmas, so Tom asked her if she would be his girlfriend, and she said yes.”
Soon after, the man Heather was seeing on the side asked if she wanted to be his girlfriend – and she agreed.
“We call ourselves a ‘poly family’ because there’s the four of us, and we’re like a little unit because I’m best friends with my husband’s girlfriend,” she says.
“We all get on really well and always have a really good time. My boyfriend often refers to my husband as his brother. There are often times when Tom’s girlfriend and I are sitting with our eyes glazed over while they’re having what we call ‘geek speak’, where they’ll talk about video games or PCs,” laughs Heather.
They regularly flirt together and have been in some X-rated scenarios. Heather says, “I’d be lying if I said nothing had happened between the four of us.”
Despite being happy with their romantic arrangement, the couple do have one rule. “We have no one in our bedroom – our bed is just for us. We have a spare room for when my boyfriend stays over. Or if Tom’s girlfriend stays over they will share that bed instead. But our bed is reserved for us.”
Heather knows an open relationship is not for everyone but believes jealously doesn’t have to get in the way of people exploring new connections. “We often preach to people that jealousy is a very normal, healthy, human emotion but it’s how that’s dealt with that makes or breaks relationships,” she says.
While everything is smooth sailing for now, Heather admits, “It’s hard to say what our future looks like because we never expected to be in the position we’re in now.
“Tom and I have plans to adopt, so we’ve had conversations with our partners explaining that it is something we’re interested in doing, because obviously it does affect them as well.
“We’ve often joked about selling our individual homes and buying a huge house together where we can all live because we all get on so well. But we’re all just enjoying getting to know each other, figuring out our individual relationships and how we work as a unit as well.”
‘Jealousy still comes up from time to time’
Tom’s girlfriend believes that working through difficult emotions is a natural part of any relationship, not just a polyfam
“Being in our polyfam of four has been a huge learning experience but also an incredibly rewarding journey. We value open communication, trust and a shared commitment to navigating this fun but wild journey together.
“One of the most important things to us all is mutual respect and understanding.
“We’ve created an environment where we can openly discuss our feelings and everyone’s voice matters, and we actively listen to each other, which brings a sense of security and belonging.
“Trust is one of the most important things in our dynamic. In our polyfam relationship, there’s no room for assumptions or neglecting each other’s emotional needs. We have agreed to check in regularly to ensure that everyone is comfortable and that no one feels left out. Of course, jealousy still comes up from time to time. But it’s a natural part of any relationship, and we talk about it openly without judgement and work through it together.
“By focusing on communication, trust and a willingness to be vulnerable, we’ve created a space where jealousy doesn’t have to be destructive. Our love for each other continues to grow stronger as we face the complexities of our relationship with honesty and compassion.”
