Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader whose hubby has cheated, but after they’d been trying for a baby she’s angry his affair was with someone too old to have one
Dear Coleen
A few weeks ago, I found out my husband was having an affair. I’m 36, he’s 42, and the woman he’s been seeing is 56.
We’ve been married for nearly three years, although we’d known each other for years before that. I discovered the affair when I started tracking his phone and then I took a phone call from a hotel, saying his “wife” had left her glasses in the room. Obviously, not mine, but the other woman’s.
He didn’t admit the affair at first, but then it all came out. She’s someone he met through his job and she’s divorced with grown-up kids.
What broke my heart more than anything is that we both wanted kids, and we’d been trying for a baby and talking about it a lot, and now he’s run off with someone who’s too old to have them.
He’s destroyed everything we’ve built. It’s humiliating that he’s left me for a woman 20 years older, I feel embarrassed and angry. All I can think about is getting revenge, which I know isn’t healthy.
He moved his stuff out of our house last weekend, while I was staying with my sister, and I haven’t spoken to him since.
There’s been no talk of reconciliation or counselling. I think he’s relieved it’s out in the open and is happy with his choice, and I wouldn’t have him back anyway. How can I move on from this mess?
Coleen says
Affairs are nearly always a symptom of something wrong in the relationship and maybe your husband was looking for a way out. Maybe it was the pressure of having a baby or something else but, whatever his reasons, he’s betrayed you and he’s gone.
I understand everything you’re feeling, but there’s no reason to feel embarrassed. That’s for him to feel. This is all on him.
As far as revenge goes, the best form of revenge is to get happy, even if you have to fake it at first. Offload to friends and scream into pillows at home, but don’t feed his ego by showing him you’re upset or pining for him.
He’s shown you who he is, now you can move on to better things. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’re still very young and have so much ahead of you, so focus on the future. I don’t think it would have been less upsetting and humiliating if he’d run off with someone 10 years younger because he might have had children with her, and that would have been a double kick in the guts.
Anger doesn’t go away overnight, but counselling helped me when both my marriages ended. I remember the very first time I went, I cried for the whole session, but I still felt so much better when I left.
You’ll go home and think about what’s come up in and gradually you’ll see light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to give it time. You can’t change this situation, so focus on doing all you can to feel good about yourself again. Good luck.
