Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a man whose partner ‘doesn’t look after herself’, and he says her overweight appearance, particularly her chin, is distracting him
Dear Coleen
My partner of 10 years doesn’t look after her body with any sort of exercise. We used to go to classes together, but now we have a child we can’t. I’ve tried hard to motivate her into looking after herself, especially as she’s prone to being unwell, but I’ve given up now.
I have pretty much moved on from that issue, but sadly her double chin still gives me the ick. I find myself checking multiple times a day to see how bad it is and sometimes I have to stop myself from staring. It’s only getting worse as she’s getting older.
Over the past year I have bought her a couple of those cheap little exercise toys, but she refuses to use them. I even said they were for me and she made a comment about how she knows they’re for her. And yet she still refuses to do something about it.
I obviously feel bad, even though I haven’t come out and told her the full truth about how I feel. But, at the same time, she probably knows it’s an issue for me and doesn’t feel it’s important. Is there anything I can do that won’t hurt her feelings before it’s too late?
Coleen says
Too late for what? If she doesn’t address her double chin are you going to leave her? Well, that might be the best thing because I think she deserves a partner who’s more supportive and treats her with more empathy and kindness.
I know it’s difficult if you stop finding your partner attractive, but you seem to be blaming her and taking it personally instead of acknowledging where she is in her life and that she’s had a baby, so her body has been through a lot and she’s putting all her energy into being a good mum.
I’ll be honest, I’m struggling to be sympathetic here, but if you love her, you need to start looking at the bigger picture and stop obsessing over her chin. If you are genuinely concerned for her health, you should approach it from that angle. But be encouraging and try to give her confidence instead of leaving exercise devices lying around the house, which will only make her feel worse about herself and make her resent you.
Why not tell her you want to get fitter and suggest doing some things together, whether it’s bike rides or swimming or walks with the buggy? And take the initiative and cook some nice, healthy family meals. It might take some pressure off her if she’s the one doing most of the childcare.
If your partner had written to me about you, I’d be advising her to find someone who loves her for who she is and points out all her great qualities. Stop blaming her and get in her corner if you want to make a difference.
