Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader whose new girlfriend is still close to her ex who she was with for seven years, and it’s making him feel insecure
Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my early 30s and I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a few months. We have a lot of shared interests and things have already got pretty serious between us.
When we first met, we had both recently come out of relationships. I was with my ex for 18 months and we’re not in contact at all. But my girlfriend was with her ex for seven years and they met at 21, and he’s still very much part of her life.
I get that they were each other’s first proper relationship and that they were together for a long time but, for me, he’s just too cosy with my girlfriend and her family.
He’s also single, which bugs me too. It’s not like my girlfriend sees him on her own, but they still speak quite a lot and he drops in on her parents fairly regularly.
It’s weird because I’ve never felt like this about the exes of previous partners and I don’t like that he’s making feel quite needy and insecure.
I haven’t told my girlfriend how I feel, I’ve just been praying he meets someone else – and quickly. Do you think I’m being unreasonable or do I have a point?
Coleen says
If he’s around as much as you say he is, I’d say how you feel is pretty normal and it’s not at all unreasonable to want space for your relationship to grow. But remind yourself often that their relationship ended for a reason and she chose you.
They obviously ended things on good terms and probably drifted into being friends because they’ve known each other for such a long time, but now that you’re on the scene it changes the whole dynamic.
It’s often quite hard for partners and families to move on when a couple breaks up. In a long-term relationship, a partner becomes part of the family and those bonds can be hard to sever.
Your girlfriend’s family are probably also being kind to her ex because they know she’s happy with you, while he hasn’t moved on yet with someone else.
But it’s not a situation that can or should go on indefinitely. My guess is he’ll meet someone and his time will get taken up with that new relationship or he’ll just gradually become a less frequent visitor.
I think you need to not panic and find some confidence in yourself.
Also, try to get to know her parents better and let them get to know you too. It’s also fine to tell your girlfriend that you’re not wild about her ex being around so much and maybe you can talk a bit about boundaries. I think that’s fair enough.
Maybe you just need some reassurance.
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