Reader tells agony aunt Coleen that she’s devastated at their age difference, and says her daughter always wanted kids, but at his age, will he?
Dear Coleen
I’m a widower aged 60 and recently my only daughter introduced me to the man she’s seeing. I was, quite frankly, devastated to find he’s only four years younger than I am.
My daughter is 29, so the (almost) three-decade age gap seems shocking to me. Her previous boyfriend was only a year older than she is and they were together for eight years after meeting at university.
She met her current partner through work and he’s divorced with two teenage kids.
I feel this situation is a lot for my daughter to take on. She’s been quite directionless since my wife passed away two years ago, and I’m not sure she’s thinking clearly or thinking ahead to what her life will be like with a man who’s old enough to be her father.
I admit that he’s pleasant enough and seems younger than his years, but it doesn’t alter the fact he’s already lived a life and had a family, while my daughter is really just at the start. I know she’s always wanted to be a mother, but will he want any more kids and will he even be capable of looking after young children?
I wish my wife were here to help me with this. It’s at times like this I really miss her. I hope you can advise me.
Coleen says
You sound really worried and I totally get how hard it must be not to have your wife by your side as a sounding board and support. But try not to get too ahead of yourself.
She might not end up with this man – it might be a “fun for now” relationship or maybe they’ll date for a couple of years and call it quits. We don’t know.
I think you can be honest with your daughter that you’re concerned about the age gap, but be careful how you word it.
If you make an issue out of it and she does end up with this man, then it could damage your relationship with her.
Just keep on being a good father and a steady presence in her life.
Kids have to live their own lives and we don’t always agree with every decision they make or warm to every person they date. But I always remind myself that nothing is worth losing a close connection with my child – even if I have to grit my teeth or worry alone in bed at night!
I do actually think age-gap relationships can work – it really depends on the people and personalities involved.
Equally, it could impact later in life when your daughter is only 40 and her partner is fast approaching 70, but it’s for her to find this out. If you have a good relationship with her and are able to have discussions and keep her close to you, that’s what’s most important.
