Exclusive:
In an exclusive extract from her witty new memoir, Vanessa Feltz confesses some of the little-known truths about being famous: from the secret signal celebs flash each other to the horror of a peaceful holiday in a far flung destination….. where nobody knows you….
Vanessa Feltz takes us on a house tour
Did you know famous people have a secret code? Or how Heathrow is so much better when you’re a celeb not a ‘civilian’? Here, in an exclusive Mirror extract from her new memoir Vanessa Bares All: Frank, Funny and Fearless, the queen of chat Vanessa Feltz reveals the secret things us muggles never realised about the rules of being famous.
For starters, why the queue for passport control is the best bit about a holiday and why she’s the first to admit there’s only one thing worse than being recognised – not being recognised….
My Fun Facts About Being Famous – By Vanessa Feltz
1. Polite household names introduce themselves by name.
I was in a lift with Dawn French. She said charmingly: ‘Hello, I’m Dawn French.’ Of course she knew I knew she was Dawn French. Everyone knows Dawn French. She’s just beautifully brought up and wouldn’t want to presume.
Nice famous people all do it. Sir Elton John does it too. ‘Hi Vanessa, I’m Elton.’ I wanted to kiss him for his excellent manners. Sir Rod Stewart does it. In my experience people who think they’re too famous to bother introducing themselves are usually reality TV ‘stars’ who have spent the summer shagging other irresistibly attractive youth on the small screen when their grandmas could be watching.
2. Famous people give other famous people a special famous-person grin and nod
I’ve had the we’re-both-famous grin and nod from Bill Nighy, Brenda Blethyn, Max George from The Wanted, Jeremy Paxman, Noddy Holder, and, I kid you not, in 1996 on a Tuesday afternoon in Beauchamp Place, Knightsbridge, the late Princess Diana.
My children think it’s hilarious. ‘Oh, my God! That was Billie Piper giving you the we’re-both-famous nod! Lord, Mum, how do you know her?’ The answer is: ‘I don’t.’ But when we both happen to be having lunch at gorgeous Primrose Hill Greek restaurant Lemonia, we do give each other the we’re-both-famous grin and nod. It would be rude not to. It’s shorthand for, “I don’t know you but I get you.”
Famous people meanwhile refer to non-famous people ‘civilians’. Allegedly Liz Hurley coined the phrase.
3. Disembarking any flight, even the budget kind, is a jamboree if you’re famous
The passport queue is like a personal party. Everyone wants to know where you got your tan. Did you have a good time? The Passport Control person takes a double-look at your pic and says: ‘Vanessa! Lovely to have you back. Welcome home.’ For me, it’s one of the best things about being famous. You feel warm inside.
Sometimes it only lasts till the taxi queue where someone stage-whispers: ‘Over there. Isn’t it that gobby fat bird off the telly?’ Still, it’s magnificent.
4. Being recognised wherever you go is hell
Nowadays Tom, Dick and Harry all have smartphones welded to their weirdly-shaped thumbs. If you are fat with a mouthful of doughnut, that sells. If you are fat with a doughnut in one hand and the penis of someone else’s husband in the other, that sells even better.
I have seriously contemplated purchasing a burka. I didn’t do it because a) do you remember the pictures of Nigella Lawson on an Australian beach in a black burkini? And b) Being recognised everywhere is almost as bad as….
5. …..NOT BEING RECOGNISED.
You’re finally abroad. Phew! What a relief. No one has the faintest idea who you are. You’re liberated. You can look sullen and miserable. You can air your cellulite. You can give the fondue a double-dip. You can score oceans of miaow-miaow.
Only, you don’t know if miaow-miaow is a pill or a powder and you’d rather have a Cornetto anyway.
Of course, the moment you can indulge in a smorgasbord of heinous reprehensible activities without fear of detection, you lose all enthusiasm for sin. Your face feels floppy and pointless without the famous-person grin. You look around hopefully for just one British tourist to interrupt your peace with an annoying autograph request. There isn’t one. You hate it. You hate yourself for hating it.
You’re thinking the unthinkable. I didn’t get famous for peace and quiet. What the f**k is the point of being famous if no one recognises me?
And you cannot wait to be pestered by bored holidaymakers on the easyJet home.
NOW READ THE MIRROR’S OTHER VANESSA FELTZ EXCLUSIVES FROM HER DAZZLING AND WITTY NEW MEMOIR:
‘I threw myself out of a taxi when fiance admitted he’d cheated. I thought he’d to see if I survived. He didn’t’
Vanessa Feltz: ‘Mum put me on diet aged nine and black market amphetamines at 20 ‘
‘My parents rang from their holiday to say I looked fat in TV ad’
