Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a married reader reeling from his wife’s confession about a crush she had when they first started dating 30 years ago
Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my wife for 30 years and she’s now 54 and I’m 55. We were obviously young when we met, but it was love at first sight, at least for me, and we’ve built a very happy life together, which includes a wonderful daughter.
But something has been nagging at me to the point where I’ve started therapy to try to deal with it.
A few months ago, my wife admitted that when we were first dating, she developed a crush on a slightly older guy who she was working with. They kissed and did other things on several occasions, but didn’t get to the point of having full sex.
She says it was a short-lived thing and it made her realise she was committed to me. He left to take up another job and that was that. She told me because we were watching a movie with a similar scenario and she said she felt OK admitting to it now because it wouldn’t matter, being so long ago and given that she was only 24 at the time.
But I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m feeling betrayed and quite angry. I remember that time so well and I was head over heels in love, and I thought she felt the same. If I’d found out what she was doing then, our lives may have taken a different path.
I’d love to hear your opinion on this. Am I overreacting?
Coleen says
Maybe this news has triggered a few insecurities in you, so you’re overthinking it. OK, it’s not nice to hear, but you have to weigh it up against 30 years of a wonderful relationship.
You’ve built a great life together and had a daughter, which means so much more than a very short-lived fling with a bit of kissing and fumbling at a point where your relationship was still very new. You have to keep reminding yourself of what you have together, which is something some people never find.
And if this crush is the worst thing that’s happened to your relationship in 30 years, then I don’t think you have much to worry about. And your wife clearly felt that your relationship was strong enough to handle this bit of information.
I think it’s worth investigating why you’ve taken it so hard, which you can do with your therapist. What’s at the root of it? Is it insecurity, pride or ego?
Whatever is to blame, then tackle it in therapy and don’t let it spoil what sounds like a very good thing.
