Agony aunt Coleen Nolan advises a reader whose husband has moved out as he can’t deal with the stress of having a baby, and her family thinks he’s being selfish and lazy
Dear Coleen
Recently, my husband left to go and live with his mum, saying he couldn’t cope any more and didn’t know if he could “do the whole baby thing”.
We have a son who is a year old and I suppose he came along quite late into our relationship because we’ve been together for eight years.
I was desperate to be a mum, so when it finally happened for us, I was over the moon. My husband was happy at first too, of course, but since the baby arrived he’s struggled with fatherhood. He gets really snappy, and won’t help out much, saying he does it all wrong and I’m better at it. He’s just kind of checked out.
I feel so sad about all this and don’t want to give up on our marriage, especially now we have a son, but I don’t know what to do. His mum thinks he just needs some time to get his head straight, but my mum thinks he’s a selfish and pathetic and needs to grow up.
I think there’s probably some truth in what they’re both saying. But right now I’m heartbroken and coping mostly on my own. I never expected things to turn out this way.
Coleen says
It sounds as if he’s having a crisis and I hope he wouldn’t have left unless he really felt there was no other option.
But I hear what your mum is saying – if you were feeling panic and worried you weren’t any good at parenting, you’d still have to stay for your son.
You both created this child together, so it’s just not good enough to throw your hands up and say, “I can’t deal with it. I’m out of here”.
It does feel incredibly selfish.
However, maybe his mum is right, too, in that he just needs some space to get his head around things.
I think he needs to communicate more around why he feels he can’t cope.
Maybe it’s the responsibility of looking after and providing for this tiny human that’s freaking him out? Is it the change in lifestyle, the impact on your relationship, the exhaustion, or all of the above? Could he be feeling anxious or even depressed? But if he misses out on this wonderful time in your son’s life, then he’s the loser.
Yes, parenting is very hard at times, but it’s all worth it and you can cope if you help each other. I know you feel very angry and let down, but keep talking and try to understand a bit of what he’s feeling and why.
And when you are together with the baby, try not to criticise him if he does something you wouldn’t do. Try to give him bit of belief in himself.
Parenting is a steep learning curve and we all get things wrong. I hope you can work this out together with the support of your family but, if you’re still struggling, then please encourage him to give some relationship counselling a go.
