Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan advises a reader who is stuck in the middle after finding out about an affair in her friendship circle, and feels uncomfortable hearing the nasty comments being made
Dear Coleen
My husband and I have a group of close friends – all couples – who we’ve known for years and recently it emerged that one of the guys was cheating on his wife for months.
Everyone in the group was gobsmacked because it seems so out of character and he’s the nicest person you could meet.
It’s been really awkward because we’re close to him and his wife, so we’ve all been trying hard to support both of them.
To cut to the chase, he ended the affair as soon as his wife found out and they are trying to work on their marriage.
The problem is, his wife constantly makes digs at him in front of other people, which is really embarrassing, and then when he’s not there she’ll take the opportunity to have a real go at him.
Obviously, I understand she’s hurt and angry, but I don’t know what to say back to her and I’m actually beginning to feel sorry for her husband.
I think there must be reasons why he had this affair and I don’t want to cut him off.
Why say you’ve forgiven him and want to make it work, but keep making awful comments to his friends? Any advice?
Coleen says
I think it’s probably her defensiveness coming out – she doesn’t want to be pitied or thought of as being weak for taking him back. And, yes, she’s angry and hurt.
This situation is confusing and difficult for friends and family, but I think the main thing is not to join in when she’s having a go at him.
When she kicks off, change the subject. Hopefully, she’ll realise these comments aren’t landing and she’ll rein it in. But, if she doesn’t, you could say something like: “I don’t know how you want me to react. I don’t agree with what he’s done, but I feel uncomfortable joining in behind his back.”
When your partner has an affair, your self-esteem and your confidence take a battering and I think your friend could be masking her true feelings to an extent. She’s sounding quite tough, but I’m sure that’s not how she feels inside.
The situation still sounds quite raw, but I think time will work it out for you, as they work through their issues.
Maybe they’ll decide to go their separate ways in the end, and you’ll gravitate towards the friend you feel closest to.
It’s hard to be caught in the middle, but just make it clear that you want to stay neutral.
