A Mirror reader asks agony Aunt Coleen for advice on ‘the one who got away’ because recently she’s been dreaming about the much younger guy she worked alongside a few years ago despite her perfect life
Dear Coleen
I’m a married woman in my early 40s and a mum to a toddler and a pre-schooler. I’m happy with my life and know I’m very lucky – I have a lovely man and cherish my family.
However, recently I’ve been dreaming a lot about this guy I got to know years ago at work. We had to work closely together on a big project and I guided him a lot, as I was the senior team member and, at 32, I was six years older than him. We had such an incredible connection – it felt like I’d known this person all my life. I loved his smile, he was so cool and funny, and we had many enjoyable times together both inside and outside of work.
However, there was never any romance – flirting, yes – but nothing ever happened between us. I felt he was too young and that it wouldn’t be right, given we worked together, plus I’d recently met my now husband and was starting to fall for him. Now, though, I think about this guy so much and the incredible chemistry between us. I can honestly say, I haven’t felt a bond like it with anyone else, even my husband.
We have kept in touch occasionally over the years, but why am I thinking about him now and about what might have been?
Coleen says
I think you’re romanticising this friendship, so maybe you should look at why that is. What’s lacking in your marriage? Has it become routine and a bit mundane?
For me, it sounds as if you’re suddenly thinking a lot about this man because you miss excitement and romance. Yes, your life is good, but maybe all the focus is on being Mum and Dad to two young children, and there’s no room for you as a couple.
You’re thinking about a time in your life before parenthood when you had few responsibilities, but what you should try to do is remember those great times with your husband and not this other friendship. Remind yourself of the connection you shared, which did blossom into romance and a fabulous life together.
But all relationships take work to keep the romantic connection alive. It’s so easy to become complacent, so make plans to go out more together, take breaks from the kids and have some fun as it’s important. You need to look at each other and see why you fell in love and why you got married.
As for your friend, maybe he’s your “one that got away”, but he got away for a reason, and if you were meant to be together I think it would have happened all those years ago.
Your husband was the one you chose.
