Married At First Sight UK has now wrapped up – after what has potentially proven to be the most explosive series in the show’s history.
Now experts have offered their thoughts on the shifting – and often fiery – dynamic between the couples. From questionable letters about x-rated regrets, to suits soaked in merlot – for many of our hopeful newlyweds, their Married At First Sight journies have fallen somewhat short of a Disney fairytale.
As the participants take their hard-won lessons into the outside world, together or separately, viewers will also have learned a fair bit about relationship psychology in action along the way – including a fair bit about what not to do when nurturing a fledgling romance. Hint: don’t tell them they’ve got a mouldy house.
But what do experts think about it all? And have our would-be Romeos and Juliets actually learned anything?
Polly and Adam
The final dinner party entered true nightmare fuel energy, after warring former spouses Polly and Adam locked horns in a truly brutal manner. Having already parted ways at final vows, on terms so frosty viewers at home likely felt a chill, Polly still wasn’t done laying into Adam, branding him a ‘c***’ and a ‘liar’.
Irate Adam retailiated by divulging uncomfortable truths about their sex life, raging: “You used to lie in bed and ask, ‘Why won’t you f**k me?’. You used to moan like a child.” In response, Polly doused him with the contents of her wine glass before storming out of the room. But where did it all go so wrong for the pair, who at one point likened their bond to that of ‘best friends?
The Mirror spoke with psychotherapist and realtionship coach Susie Masterson, who noted that Polly and Adam had very different attachment styles, with Polly demonstrating ‘signs of insecure or anxious attachment’. Susie, herself an avid MAFS watcher, explained: “This shows up in her need for reassurance and her emotional volatility with Adam. Anxious attachment stems from a fear of abandonment. These fears usually originate from adverse childhood experiences.
“When we are anxious there is an urgency to how we feel. We can never get enough reassurance. Even if Adam was ‘full on’ with Polly, it’s unlikely that she would be able to fully receive it. This is because the original wound or experience of either being or feeling abandoned (in the past), simply can’t be filled in the present.”
This would make perfect sense in the case of Polly, who continuously made it clear that she wanted more PDA and affection from Adam, who in turn felt ‘nagged’ and uncomfortable. According to Susie, anxious attachment can manifest in various behaviours, including ‘people pleasing behaviour or accommodating others’, ‘trust issues’, jealousy, and ‘clinginess or dependency on others to fulfil emotional needs’.
On the other side of the coin, Susie believes that Adam shows signs of avoidant attachment. She said: “Ironically, this can often stem from similar childhood experiences, where abandonment or rejection has occurred. It is usually a sign that as children, our caregivers were either unavailable or unresponsive. These experiences form our emotional blueprints.
“Adam’s resolution not to show his feelings or give Polly ‘pda’ is a demonstration of his hyper independence. It is also likely a response to vulnerability. Though there are times when Adam has clearly attempted to lean in to Polly’s requests for more intimacy – both sexually but also in acts of kindness and service – he is quick to sabotage it.”
According to Susie, those with avoidant attachment styles can be conflict avoidant, and may exhibit downplay the ‘importance of a relationship’. They may also have ‘high standards or idealisation e.g. of image’, which we can arguably see in Adam’s wedding day fixation on ‘unreal brunettes’.
By the second reunion episode, the storm seemed to have passed, and the pair even exhanged heartfelt apologies, sugegsting there has been some growth and ability to see the other’s perspective. Reflecting on their final, far more courteous meeting, dating and boundaries expert Michelle Elman, who hosts the podcast In All Honesty, told the Mirror: “I’m glad they apologised as these two always worked better as friends and hopefully they can maintain that part of their relationship. It will be hard to forget some of the words (and actions) that were said.”
Luke and Amy
Viewers fell for Luke’s charm and constant one liners, but bride Amy was less smitten, and couldn’t get past some of the white lies her groom kept telling her. For example, being unclear about the number of relationships he’d had – and whether or not he’d had his bum out during his ‘Butler in the Buff’ shifts.
It was therefore no surprise to viewers when Amy ended the marriage with the finality of a funeral, telling him: “This marriage is done, dead, deceased. I stand here in front of you today wearing black to mourn its death. RIP.” Again, it would appear that stark differences between the pair snuffed out any hope of romance.
Susie told us: “Luke seems to struggle with accountability and honesty. This is a real red flag to Amy who has high standards around trust. There is an emotional immaturity to this, which could stem from a number of things: abandonment, childhood trauma, fear of vulnerability, lack of emotional connection.
“Luke’s pattern of lying appears to be quite ingrained, which is making it difficult for him to make the changes he keeps assuring Amy of. His inability to ‘read the room’ likely comes from his childhood, where he didn’t get the appropriate modelling for rupture and repair.
She continued: “Every relationship goes through ruptures, it’s simply not possible to avoid conflict or confrontation. How we repair this – by taking accountability and learning from our mistakes – is critical to developing the foundation for a healthy relationship.
“Amy is more opaque than Luke. We have seen her demonstrate empathy and compassion with her friends in the group, however she seems to struggle to show this to Luke. There is something guarded about her behaviour around him, which could be a sign that she finds his behaviour triggering. The trigger being Luke’s behaviour – whether that’s lying or being sexually indiscreet – but this is likely activating something from her past. Whatever this is, she is either not explicitly aware of it, or she doesn’t feel comfortable expressing it to Luke.”
Amy and Luke’s final couch session centred around an x-rated letter Luke had sent Amy after they’d already called it quits, despite her having told him repeatedly she didn’t care for such saucy talk. Recalling Luke’s explicit message, Amy said: “‘I’ve been thinking about you. I miss you. I miss waking up next to you’. It said ‘I keep saying no regrets. I keep having one regret. When you were cooking I wish I got down on my knees and terrorised your b*****e.” After that he said ‘PS write to me. I’d like that’.”
Luke tried to explain that he’d just been trying to express his attraction to Amy, but viewers were left gobsmacked by his phrasing, with Michelle telling us his choice of words was ‘concerning’. Michelle remarked: “This was very confusing behaviour. At first I thought it was a language barrier of not understanding how he was coming across but continually ignoring Amy’s boundaries and then on the final session, saying he intentionally chose that word, it is concerning.”
Kieran and Kristina
From the moment they guffawed together over Kieran’s choice to wear comical false teeth at the altar, Kieran and Kristina seemed like a match made in quirky heaven. However, cracks began to show as the weeks went on. At first, Kieran claimed he couldn’t be intimate with Kristina due to a cold sore – while continuing to plant jokey smackers on fellow contestants.
It later emerged that more was more on beside the cold sore – with Kieran admitting he didn’t know whether he could be there for a partner who suffered from severe PMDD. Kieran also annoyed a number of viewers after putting together a list of similarities between Kristina and his cheating ex, concluding that they were more or less the same.
They ultimately decided to leave the experiment in week eight, and it was clear Kristina still carried some hurt when they reunited at the reunion dinner party, especially when he revealed he was already out on the dating scene. For many viewers, Kieran’s behaviour throughout the experiment at times seemed confusing, with some feeling as though he was dancing around the real issues at hand.
Shedding some light on Kieran’s sharp turnaround, Susie said: “When someone ‘cools off’ after a really intense and intimate start to a relationship, it can feel confusing and hurtful, but it’s a common occurrence. However, I was as surprised as anyone at how open and emotionally articulate Kieran was at the start of the experiment, compared to his withdrawal after the couple’s retreat.
“There seems to be something about Kieran losing his freedom and/or independence that is driving the change. His repetition of feeling “numb” is likely an example of dissociation. This is where we withdraw and shut down emotionally when we feel overwhelmed. This is often a response to feeling exposed and vulnerable. The fact that Kieran seems unable to take on any advice from either Kristina or his friends, is likely because he is experiencing emotional burnout.”
She continued: “In contrast, Kristina has continued to be emotionally vulnerable and open throughout the experiment. The grief and loss she is experiencing is totally understandable after what appeared (at the beginning) to be the ‘match of the experiment’. Kristina consistently shows signs of secure attachment – to herself and to others. She is comfortable with vulnerability and demonstrates that she can emotionally regulate.
“It’s worth stating that both Kieran and Kristina have a brilliant ability to actively listen to each other, something that most people in the experiment have struggled with.”
Despite all they’ve been through, Kieran and Kristina still showed a lot of affection for each other during their final couch session, even making plans to head out to a gig together. Considering Kieran’s motivations for applying for MAFS, a topic of hot debate among fans, Michelle concluded: “There have been a lot of people thinking he did it to just be on the show but I don’t believe that is the case. To me, Keiran is a textbook avoidant and the thing that scared him off was that it was actually going too well. This was never really addressed as a number of excuses like the cold sore.”
Caspar and Emma
Romance sadly wasn’t on the cards for Emma and Caspar, with a number of early clangers getting their relationship off to a rocky start. Caspar kicked off their married life by comparing Emma to his ‘hated’ twin sister, and disagreeing that she looked sexy in her bikini. Meanwhile, Emma’s difficulties being vulnerable and ‘toxic positivity’ put further strain on a bond that just wasn’t meant to be.
On the other side of the experiment however, the pair seem much more relaxed, bantering like old friends as Emma jested that she’d like an invite to Caspar’s next wedding. And although Caspar didn’t fall head over heels for Emma, it’s clear he has a lot of affection for their time together, revealing in one touching moment that he still wears his wedding ring on a necklace.
Susie shared: “Neither Casper nor Emma ever appeared to be fully present or comfortable in the experiment. I sensed that both of them felt triggered early on, which activated patterns of relating and responding from their respective pasts, that meant that they were essentially checked out in the present.
“When younger parts get activated in us, it can be very difficult for us to access our ‘available adult’ in a relationship. Even when the experts intervened – for example in intimacy week – both Caspar and Emma really struggled to take the advice and apply it to their relationship. For example, when Caspar responded to Charlene that he wanted to learn things for future relationships, there was something ‘people pleasing’ about his behaviour. A keen student trying to appeal to his teacher. This could stem from issues around his own childhood in wanting his mother’s attention. We certainly saw how impacted he was around his sister and the comparisons he was making about living in her shadow.”
As for Emma, Susie reckons her ‘toxic positivity’ could likely be a ‘defence mechanism against vulnerability’ She explained: “When working with couples, I often say that only in vulnerability can we find connection. However, at the same time, vulnerability can feel incredibly exposing, particularly if we don’t feel emotionally safe with someone (or ourselves).
“When the pressure of the experiment is removed – and couples are no longer under the microscope – more comfortable (and safe) patterns of relating can be established. For example, banter is no longer charged, because it doesn’t have any impact on a romantic relationship. Equally, it’s no longer a relationship issue if Caspar has a glass half empty view of the world. It becomes easier to accept ‘difference’ in each other as friends, rather than partners.
“Albert Mehrabian’s communication model asserts that 55 per cent of communication is non verbal. This is really apparent when you look at Caspar and Emma not just with each other, but also with their friends (on the boys and girls nights out), after they left the experiment.”
Reflecting on Caspar and Emma’s final scenes, which certainly felt like an improvement from their awkward attempts at married bloss, Michelle noted that this ‘felt like healthy closure and an acceptance that they were never going to work out’. She advised: “I think if you can maintain a friendship, that’s a wonderful perk but in reality, the practicality of remaining friends is hard. In this unusual situation, it is good they are able to leave it this way and it is inevitable they will see each other again through the press and release of the show and to have that support.”
You can stream all episodes of Married At First Sight UK on E4 now.
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