He cornered the children outside school and fed them a pack of lies about me, reader tells agony aunt Coleen
Dear Coleen
A few years ago, I asked my (now) ex-husband to leave after reaching breaking point with his serial cheating.
He basically cheated throughout our entire marriage with several different women. I don’t know why I put up with it for so long, but I guess I felt guilt around our two children, who are now in their early teens.
The good news is, after the divorce I met a lovely man and we’re now married. He lives with us and my kids adore him, and he also has a daughter from his previous marriage who comes to stay most weekends.
It’s the family life I’ve always wanted and we’re happy.
Now, though, my ex is creating problems. The kids were never a priority for him – he’d see them when he felt a pang of guilt and it was usually last minute. Over the past couple of years, he’s probably seen them three times. He’s too busy managing his love life!
A couple of weeks ago, he showed up at the kids’ school at home time and told them a pack of lies about me preventing him from seeing them. They were upset and it took me a whole weekend of reassuring them that it wasn’t true.
I’m so mad with my ex, but I don’t want to rock the boat again and upset the kids. At the same time, I don’t want him dipping in and out of their lives causing chaos. What can I do?
Coleen says
This is a difficult line to walk because, ideally, you want to give your kids the opportunity to have a better relationship with their father. But you also need him to respect boundaries and to be consistent.
He shouldn’t have targeted the children in this way because they’re the ones who have ended up hurt and confused. That’s the message you have to get across to him – never to behave in a way that’s going to upset them.
If I were you, I’d call your ex or meet with him and tell him if he wants a good relationship with his children, then he needs to be consistent in his efforts. Visits need to be controlled and planned, and bad-mouthing each other is off the table. The thing is, your kids are older now and they’ll soon begin to understand he’s the one who’s been absent and you’re the one who’s been there for them.
Maybe things aren’t going so well in his life right now and he misses the kids, but doesn’t know how to repair the damage.
It will take time for him to rebuild his relationship with the children and the only way to do it is to keep showing up and not disappear again for huge amounts of time.
I know that encouraging this will feel risky for you and who knows if he’ll change his attitude, but I think it’s a better route than having him show up out of the blue and tell lies that upset the kids.
Maybe if you offer him a way back that can work for you all he’ll step up. Good luck.
