Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader annoyed that her partner makes much less effort over sex than she does
Dear Coleen
I’m hoping for some advice on how to improve sex with my boyfriend. We’ve been together now for five years and we’re due to get married in April of next year, which is very exciting.
During the time we’ve been together, I’d say we’ve developed a lovely sex life, however one thing really bothers me – my fiance is quite lazy in bed.
When we make love, he only pulls down his trousers and pants, remaining otherwise fully clothed. I’m the only one who’s ever completely naked head to toe.
I have tried talking to him about how this makes me feel, but he doesn’t seem interested in doing anything about it.
As I said, I think it’s more a question of laziness rather than anything more complicated.
However, I feel if he were to get naked more often when we’re having sex it would improve things a lot.
To be honest, it feels kind of awkward for me, being butt naked around him, while he is still almost fully clothed. What should I do to try to rectify this situation? Although sex is fine, I know it can be so much better.
Coleen says
Wow, it’s almost as if he’s seeing every sexual encounter as a quickie rather than anything more intimate or romantic.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes a quickie is great – it can be exciting and just what you need– but it’s not really making love. You call your sex life “lovely” and “fine”, which all feels quite bland.
Also, I imagine it makes you feel like he just wants sex and wants it over with quite quickly, so he can pull his pants up, move on and get on with his day! There’s no romance or foreplay involved at all, which I’m assuming he did make more of an effort with when you first met.
Maybe he is taking you and the relationship for granted and can’t be bothered to put any effort in.
I don’t think it’s good enough for him to just shut down every time you bring up the subject. If you sweep issues like these under the carpet, they are the things that can split you up down the line.
You are not happy, so you have to get him to listen, especially as you’re getting married in April. You don’t want to be walking down the aisle feeling annoyed that you’re marrying someone who won’t take his clothes off during sex.
When you talk to him, do it away from the bedroom and make it a discussion about what you each like and what you want from sex. Encourage him to say exactly how he feels.
Being able to compromise and communicate is important for the health of your relationship moving forward.
